How to Win an Argument - Step One! Are you an INTERNALIZER?

How to Win an Argument - Step One!

Are you an INTERNALIZER?

I know this is a sore subject. Many of us are out there holding the weight of the world inside. More often than not we put on a brave face. We say: "I'm fine! I'm great!".  But are we fine? Are we great?

Ummm, I don't think so.  One of the reasons we aren't doing well (internally) is we hold in what is bothering us. And my bother I mean pissing us off.  People who hold things in are called INTERNALIZERS.  The fact is this kind of behavior builds up over time.

Your newest treasure

Let's bring this all the way back to when you were around 2 years old. You just learned how to walk. You were toddling around your home discovering new things. Touching and grabbing at household items like they were treasures. You marveled at the world around you. No limits! Complete and utter freedom. You learned new things on a daily basis and no obstacle was too difficult or too scary.  One day, you were toddling around your living room, enjoying the feeling of shaggy carpeting underneath your chubby feet. You look on the coffee table and see a beautiful sight! You see a beautiful shiny ceramic coffee mug. Wowie! The glistening smooth surface of the mug was the most beautiful sight you have ever laid your eyes on!

Your Mother - The Angel from Heaven

Your mother is sitting on the couch. The vision of her is pure and utter beauty. The shining light of the heavens radiates from her hair. She is life. The true personification of LOVE.  But your eyes go back to the mug. A strange fog or steam is coming from the topside of the mug. What is this? Sorcery? How is this beautiful new treasure also magical? You toddle over to the coffee table ready to discover and conquer this new bauble that your Siren of a mother has gifted to you! You reach the edge of the coffee table, and it's as if all life is moving in slow motion. Your eyes widen, you reach over to the coffee mug. You stretch your chubby little arm as if to reach towards the heavens, life stands still. Your treasure awaits you and you will soon know the pleasure and the ecstasy of experiencing this enchanted mug that is radiating mystical steam. Your little fingers lightly feel the glossy surface of the mug, a smile stretches across your little face. "BOBBY, NO!!!! DO NOT TOUCH THAT! NO!!!!". Your mother taps the back of your hand, and scolds you not to touch it! "BOBBY, THIS MUG IS HOT! YOU WILL GET BURNED! NO! HOT! DO NOT TOUCH!".

Why God Why??

Your mother takes your new found treasure and leaves the room to put it in the kitchen. Your little face is hot and red. Your feelings of unrealized expectations crushes you. A tear wells up in your little eye. Your lip trembles and you start WAILING. A huge, guttural, loud, screeching cry.  Your disappointment runs as deep as the largest ocean in the world. You will never forgive this evil Siren for taking away your treasure from the heavens. Only someone who is inherently evil and ruthless would break the heart of a little baby. You will never forgive her! You will never speak of this pain again, although you will carry it with you forever. AMEN.

Your first disappointment. Your first entry into grudge holding. The first time you choose as a child to internalize a hurt that you perceive is being done to you, is a life changing experience. Your interpretation of this infraction against you is now etched into your psyche forever. The perception that your mother did something to you, that you will never forget stays with you into your adult life.

 Internalizer is Born.

It is at this moment you decide to hold a grudge. The problem is at 2 years old you don't have the verbal capabilities to communicate your anger and frustration. You haven't had enough time on this earth to develop the ability to conceptualize the fact that your mother was protecting you from a scalding hot cup of coffee. To you? It was the ultimate heart break when she chose to abruptly take away your new found heavenly treasure. So what do you do? You INTERNALIZE your anger. And because you cannot verbalize your frustration, you hold it in.

Now that you are a mature adult, (and I use that term loosely) it should come easily to you to verbalize your discontent. Right? (insert Crickets sound here).

Identifying the fact that you may be an INTERNALIZER is the first step of learning HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT.

Now what do we do with this new found information? Can you step into admitting that you are an INTERNALIZER? 

Take the following Quiz to see if you are a classic INTERNALIZER. Click here to take the quiz: ARE YOU AN INTERNALIZER ONLINE QUIZ.

Here is the rub: (EXTERNALIZERS don't have a problem with confrontation or arguments, however I will address them in another blog post because they may not shy away from arguments but they most often don't win the argument. Or they win by using abusive tactics which I do not sanction). More on that later. 

Are you a CLASSIC INTERNALIZER? or are you an INTERNALIZER LIGHT? Either way, if you are holding onto your feelings, you are hurting yourself.

On your path to learning HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT,  you have to confront yourself first. I know, I know you hate confrontation. But follow me on this. Confront yourself first. 

Admitting you are an INTERNALIZER is the first step towards being able to WIN ARGUMENTS. Rest assured that the techniques you learn here with me will never, under any circumstances leave the other person feeling verbally assaulted or abused.  Actually what it will do is make them think. If you make them stop and think, you have disarmed them. Disarming your opponent is the key to winning arguments.

In my next post I will give you Step 2 on HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT! Talk to you guys soon!  ----  Michaela 

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How to win an argument - Never avoid confrontation again!

 

How to win an Argument - THE BLOG

Never avoid confrontation again!

I don't know about you, but I HATE TO ARGUE. I have a funny feeling I am not the only one. For so many years I avoided confrontation like the plague. I would rather give a speech in front of 1,000 people in my underwear than have to confront a co-worker, friend, family member or my significant other.

Just the thought of having to go to this person and say: "WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE", would give me the runs and send me to the bathroom in a cold sweat. I can't be the only person out here that feels this way.

However, something changed in me in 2007. After going through a marriage separation, having 2 miscarriages and then having other family crises happen, I thought I would snap.  I went from being on top of the world, to very quickly taking a huge decline in my emotional, psychological and physical health. Two key deaths in my family, a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis and a pending divorce battle? I was on track to a mental breakdown. So many of my friends and my family were doing and saying the wrong things. Most of those things made me feel alone and feel worse off than I already did. And all the while? I said nothing. I kept it all in and said to myself, "It's okay, they are my friends/family and they love me. They have no idea that they are hurting me."   Just like the rest of you guys, I KEPT IT ALL IN.

Choosing not to confront them and help them understand how I needed support was a huge mistake. There's a saying that goes: "What you resist, PERSISTS."  The more I resisted CONFRONTATION, the more the negative feelings built up. The more I avoided UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS the more my illness and stress raged on. All of that internal strife, I was turning in on myself. (more about my personal story of M.S. recovery in my next few blog posts.)

Sound familiar?  There was a point in my M.S. struggles where I couldn't get out of bed. My toes and fingers were curling up and I was getting massive charlie horse cramps in my calves. During this time, I was wearing DEPENDS. YES, DEPENDS. The adult diaper. Yes, ladies and gents, I, Michaela was peeing myself. Let's not get started on the POOPING accidents. That's a whole other blog post.  

The more I internalized that negativity, the sicker I got. The more I avoided having those uncomfortable conversations, the sicker I became. Sound familiar? I know it must sound familiar because you are still with me reading my story.

This blog is more about sharing our personal victories then sharing negativity. Here's the thing though. From then until now? I have learned amazing techniques that have worked for me in the art of HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT.  Don't get me wrong, some techniques along the way I learned from others. Some I learned in and ON THE JOB TRAINING sort of way. Some I learned by falling and taking my lumps, others I learned by losing long term friendships.  Needless to say I took my lumps!  

And so will you.  In this art of HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT, you too will take your lumps. But I will say this, after spending some time with me, you will learn how to EMBRACE CONFRONTATION. 

I know, I know. This makes you nervous. Believe me I get it. But to be honest, it's easier than you think. And you will also learn ways to strengthen your core. And by core I do not mean PILATES.

What I mean is the CORE OF WHO YOU ARE. You will learn to understand yourself a lot better. And together we will tackle this fear.  Fear? You ask? Yes, fear. Fear is at the core of every breakdown we have. Fear is at the core of why we avoid confrontation like the plague.

There is a saying that goes "YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR, BUT FEAR ITSELF". -- FDR

You want to know something about FDR (Franklin Delano Roosevelt (32nd U.S. President)?  He shifted our society as we know it FROM A WHEEL CHAIR! Yes, a wheelchair.  Again, that's another blog post.

Let's walk through this journey together.  When I get done with you, you my dear will be a little WARRIOR FOR GOOD and not for EVIL.  ---MICHAELA