How to Win an Argument - Step One! Are you an INTERNALIZER?

How to Win an Argument - Step One!

Are you an INTERNALIZER?

I know this is a sore subject. Many of us are out there holding the weight of the world inside. More often than not we put on a brave face. We say: "I'm fine! I'm great!".  But are we fine? Are we great?

Ummm, I don't think so.  One of the reasons we aren't doing well (internally) is we hold in what is bothering us. And my bother I mean pissing us off.  People who hold things in are called INTERNALIZERS.  The fact is this kind of behavior builds up over time.

Your newest treasure

Let's bring this all the way back to when you were around 2 years old. You just learned how to walk. You were toddling around your home discovering new things. Touching and grabbing at household items like they were treasures. You marveled at the world around you. No limits! Complete and utter freedom. You learned new things on a daily basis and no obstacle was too difficult or too scary.  One day, you were toddling around your living room, enjoying the feeling of shaggy carpeting underneath your chubby feet. You look on the coffee table and see a beautiful sight! You see a beautiful shiny ceramic coffee mug. Wowie! The glistening smooth surface of the mug was the most beautiful sight you have ever laid your eyes on!

Your Mother - The Angel from Heaven

Your mother is sitting on the couch. The vision of her is pure and utter beauty. The shining light of the heavens radiates from her hair. She is life. The true personification of LOVE.  But your eyes go back to the mug. A strange fog or steam is coming from the topside of the mug. What is this? Sorcery? How is this beautiful new treasure also magical? You toddle over to the coffee table ready to discover and conquer this new bauble that your Siren of a mother has gifted to you! You reach the edge of the coffee table, and it's as if all life is moving in slow motion. Your eyes widen, you reach over to the coffee mug. You stretch your chubby little arm as if to reach towards the heavens, life stands still. Your treasure awaits you and you will soon know the pleasure and the ecstasy of experiencing this enchanted mug that is radiating mystical steam. Your little fingers lightly feel the glossy surface of the mug, a smile stretches across your little face. "BOBBY, NO!!!! DO NOT TOUCH THAT! NO!!!!". Your mother taps the back of your hand, and scolds you not to touch it! "BOBBY, THIS MUG IS HOT! YOU WILL GET BURNED! NO! HOT! DO NOT TOUCH!".

Why God Why??

Your mother takes your new found treasure and leaves the room to put it in the kitchen. Your little face is hot and red. Your feelings of unrealized expectations crushes you. A tear wells up in your little eye. Your lip trembles and you start WAILING. A huge, guttural, loud, screeching cry.  Your disappointment runs as deep as the largest ocean in the world. You will never forgive this evil Siren for taking away your treasure from the heavens. Only someone who is inherently evil and ruthless would break the heart of a little baby. You will never forgive her! You will never speak of this pain again, although you will carry it with you forever. AMEN.

Your first disappointment. Your first entry into grudge holding. The first time you choose as a child to internalize a hurt that you perceive is being done to you, is a life changing experience. Your interpretation of this infraction against you is now etched into your psyche forever. The perception that your mother did something to you, that you will never forget stays with you into your adult life.

 Internalizer is Born.

It is at this moment you decide to hold a grudge. The problem is at 2 years old you don't have the verbal capabilities to communicate your anger and frustration. You haven't had enough time on this earth to develop the ability to conceptualize the fact that your mother was protecting you from a scalding hot cup of coffee. To you? It was the ultimate heart break when she chose to abruptly take away your new found heavenly treasure. So what do you do? You INTERNALIZE your anger. And because you cannot verbalize your frustration, you hold it in.

Now that you are a mature adult, (and I use that term loosely) it should come easily to you to verbalize your discontent. Right? (insert Crickets sound here).

Identifying the fact that you may be an INTERNALIZER is the first step of learning HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT.

Now what do we do with this new found information? Can you step into admitting that you are an INTERNALIZER? 

Take the following Quiz to see if you are a classic INTERNALIZER. Click here to take the quiz: ARE YOU AN INTERNALIZER ONLINE QUIZ.

Here is the rub: (EXTERNALIZERS don't have a problem with confrontation or arguments, however I will address them in another blog post because they may not shy away from arguments but they most often don't win the argument. Or they win by using abusive tactics which I do not sanction). More on that later. 

Are you a CLASSIC INTERNALIZER? or are you an INTERNALIZER LIGHT? Either way, if you are holding onto your feelings, you are hurting yourself.

On your path to learning HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT,  you have to confront yourself first. I know, I know you hate confrontation. But follow me on this. Confront yourself first. 

Admitting you are an INTERNALIZER is the first step towards being able to WIN ARGUMENTS. Rest assured that the techniques you learn here with me will never, under any circumstances leave the other person feeling verbally assaulted or abused.  Actually what it will do is make them think. If you make them stop and think, you have disarmed them. Disarming your opponent is the key to winning arguments.

In my next post I will give you Step 2 on HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT! Talk to you guys soon!  ----  Michaela 

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